James Fuqua's Law Jokes

Law School

Bar Exam Heart Attack -- Added 8 September 1997
Bums in Law School -- Added 22 March 1996
Harvard Grad.'s Application -- Added 21 August 1997
How to Get a Law Job -- Added 5 December 1997
Miseducation of Lawyers -- Added 26 July 1996
Snow Day -- Added 26 July 1996
Sue U. University -- Added 7 May 1997
You Might Be A Law Student If: -- Added 3 February 1997
Shorter Jokes -- Updated 7 May 1997
Question & Answer -- Updated 13 September 1996

Bar Exam Heart Attack

Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
From: thf2@kimbark.uchicago.edu (Ted Frank)
Subject: Re: don't help a dying man during the bar exam
Date: Thu, 18 Aug 1994 03:30:11 GMT

>> [ guy at bar exam has heart attack - other test taker gives CPR and is
>> then screwed by Exam Officials]

For the n-th time:

* Happened in the summer of 1993 in California
* Original "scandal" was that "only" two people stopped to help the guy -- as if a hundred people jumping up would be more, rather than less, helpful
* The proctors, who are invariably laypeople with no authority whatsoever, *could not* give the helpful people more time on the test; to do so would have disqualified their exams immediately. They did the right thing in refusing to give more time.
* The California bar took the policy "Let's see if these people pass, and then we'll worry about whether what sort of adjustment we'll give in scoring their tests."
* The two good Samaritans appeared on some talk shows, and graciously debunked a lot of the nonsense about how horrible everyone else was being.
* The two passed the bar, without any adjustment to their tests.

My attitude is, if you can't pass the bar without a half hour to spare, you're better off in some other profession any way.

On the other hand, I haven't passed yet...

Found on http://www.urbanlegends.com/

Bums in Law School

Two bums, one named Rastus and the other named Lyza, met walking down the street.

"Say Rastus, what you bin doon wit yo self, man?"

"Oh, I bin goin to da law school, Lyza, watt's happnen?"

"Hey Rastus, maybe you kin hep me wit dis here dock-u-ment" [whereupon Lyza hands Rastus a subpoena he was recently served].

"Lessee, in da law school we learned to break it down into de parts. Ah, sub, ah dat mean `under'; And poena .... Oh! ... Dat mean dey got you by da balls!"

Harvard Grad.'s Application

Dear Prospective Employer:

I am a starving student on the 1993 production line at Harvard Law Factory. A recent examination of my aspirations has convinced me that I must eat in the years to come. The exorbitant sums paid by most legal factories to summer associates fit in well with the modest goals I have set for myself. Feel assured that I understand the responsibilities incumbent upon a summer associate at your firm. I am not at all squeamish about milking our powerful corporate clients of their every last cent by providing legal services of the calibre necessary to defeat well-founded claims by victims caught in the corporate vice. I have learned much at Hahvahd. I can promise that such human foibles as pity will never interfere with my willingness to stretch the innocent on the rack of legal trickery for the good of the client and its share-holders.

Although my parents lost their fortune in the 1987 stock market crash, we have managed to retain our insultingly extravagant La Jolla mansion by means of lies and trickery. I have gained a deep admiration for conspicuous consumption and hope to become an expert in the practice. If I may quote the Bible, "You cannot serve both God and Mammon." (Matt. 6:24). So why bother serving God?

I would be delighted to discuss further my background in a personal interview. I am satisfied by my ability to demonstrate the amorality needed to be a successful attorney, and the hunger needed to be a successful and profitable hour biller with your factory. I appreciate the time spent reading this form letter and my "you've seen it all before" resume. I look forward to receiving a form letter with good news from you soon!

Desperately, but cocksurely,

Jack Meoff, Jr.


School Residence Family Residence
666 Brattle St., #14 99 Oversight Dr.
Cambridge, MA 02138 La Jolla, CA 92123
(617) 123-4567(714) 321-9999


HARVARD LAW FACTORY. Juris Doctor will be awarded May, 1993.

Grade Point Average: 3.93 / 4.00
*Christopher Columbus Langell Scholar
*Staff Member (redundant, huh?) Harvard Review
*Founder, CRAP in '92 (Committee to Re-elect America's President)

DARTMOUTH COLLEGE. Bachelor of Science, summa cum laude, awarded 1990.

Grade Point Average: 3.97 / 4.00 Class Rank: 3/1245
Major: Economic Assumptions Minor: Business Antics
*Senior Thesis: "The Rich: How to Keep Them That Way"
*Editor-in-chief, "The Dartmouth Review"
*President, Future Fascists of America


Conspirator, Operation Rescue, 1991

*Deprived numerous U.S. Citizens of their civil rights
*Endured three nights of detention for flouting U.S. District Judge Patrick Kelly's
injunction encouraging infanticide

Personal Assistant, Office of Mr. Neil Bush, 1990

*Rubber-stamped numberless unsecured loans to family friends
*Hid under rock with "sensitive" files when federal inspectors visited

Intern, Legal Department, 1989

*Collaborated in escape from liability for Exxon Valdez spill
*Advised that Capt. Hazelwood be publicly pilloried as drunk culprit

Intern, Office of the Honorable Jesse Helms, 1988

*Authored bill to mandate a return to the values of the Middle Ages
*Rigged spring-guns to "delay" Anti-life protesters at door
*Bullshit official positions to constituents


*Treasure Trove


Available for a modest fee

How to Get a Law Job

Dear <Firm's name>,

Thank you for your letter of . After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite 's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.


<Your name here>

Miseducation of Lawyers

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

Snow Day

A blizzard struck one February evening, and the next morning the streets were impassable. One student who lived two miles from the campus and who normally commuted by elevated railway heard on the radio that the el was not running. Dutifully he trudged through the snow-filled sidewalks, arriving twenty minutes late for his Contracts class. There at the podium the professor was holding forth to an audience of one. Instead of taking his regular assigned seat, the student slipped into the seat next to the other fellow.

The new arrival listened to the lecture and after a while leaned toward the other student. "What's he talking about?" he whispered.

"How should I know?" came the reply. "I got here five minutes before you did."

Sue U. University

Sue U. University
Law School for the Ethically Disadvantaged
666 Ambulance Chase
Sue Sainte Marie, Michigan

Applicant Type:

[ ] ethically disadvantaged
[ ] disbarred
[ ] kicked out of other law school
[ ] bribe enclosed
[ ] regular (give us a break)

Cell #:____________________

a) Please submit documents indicating your ethical disadvantage (i.e., acquittals, newspaper cuttings, prison or parole records, etc.):


b) Identify the years when your ethical disadvantage adversely affected your academic achievements (i.e. time served, time on the lam, etc.):


c) Please give lack-of-character references (i.e., defaulted creditors, probation officer, arresting police officer, sentencing judge, etc.):


Course Calendar

Legal Ethics: Cancelled due to lack of interest.
Soviet Law Reform: Cancelled.
Tort Law: Sue the bastards!
Military Law: Bang!
Entertainment Law: Snort!
Law of the Seas: Barf!
Taxation Law: Zzz...
Criminal Law: Plead the Fifth!
Immigration Law: Spam the net!
Environmental Law: Cough, Couch, Hack!


Richard Milhous Nixon Memorial Award: Awarded to the law student who has stolen the most final law exams without getting caught.

Castles, Rooks & Crooks Entrance Scholarship: Token scholarship awarded by mega law firm to keep a high business profile in the academic community while obtaining a tax break at the same time.

Cancer & Seagull Spam Award: Awarded to the law student who disrupts Internet the most on a global scale.

Please note that the above scholarships are based on Financial Greed.

You Might Be A Law Student If:

You might be a law student if:

If you average 3 hours of sleep a night
If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
If you wake up 10 minutes before class
If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them
If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
If your social life consists of a date with the library
If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
If you carry less than a dollar on your person
If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class
If you celebrate when you find a quarter
If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
If you get more sleep in class than in your room
If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo
If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
If you get more e-mail than mail......


Shorter Jokes

A University of Virginia Law School professor said to a graduating class, "Three years ago, when asked a legal question, you could answer, in all honesty, 'I don't know.' Now you can say with great authority, 'It depends.'"

The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.

Quote from telephone inquiry:

"We're only hiring one summer intern this year, and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Partner's daughter finishes her summer classes."

There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.

The requirements for admission to practice law include completion of general education at the university level; completion of a three-year postgraduate law school curriculum; passing a two- or three-day written bar examination; and proof of satisfactory character, the latter requirement being minimal. - G.C. Hazard Jr. and Michele Taruffo, "American Civil Procedure" 1993

If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
- Calvin Trillin

Question & Answer

Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?

A. A Lobotomy.

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