James Fuqua's Law Jokes

Q & A Lawyer Jokes

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand [cement]?

A: Not enough sand [cement].

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A1: Take your foot off his head.

A2: Throw him a rock.

A3: No.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?

A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

A: There was an empty seat.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?

A. In the cemetery

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

A: It might be your bicycle.

Q. What happens when you cross a Mafia don with a lawyer?

A. You have someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.

Q. Why do lawyers display a copy of their bar association cards on their dashboards?

A. So they can park in handicapped zones; it's proof of a moral disability.

Q. What do you call 100 lawyers skydiving out of an airplane?

A. Skeet.

Q. What do you call 1,000 lawyers, chained together at the bottom of the ocean?

A. A good start.

Q. Why do they always bury lawyers 12 feet deep?

A. Because down deep, lawyers are OK.

Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste, and California all the Lawyers?

A: New Jersey got first choice!!!!

Q: Why don't snakes bite attorneys?

A: Professional courtesy.

Q: How can you tell if your lawyer is worthless?

A: Ask him if he's a member of the bar.

Q: What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?

A: Japanese language lessons for lawyers.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?

A: Redundant.

Q: What are lawyers good for?

A: They make used car salesmen look good.

Q: What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested?

A: An accomplice.

Q: What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested?

A: A lawyer.

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?

A1: Back over him to make sure.

A2: Make another notch on the steering wheel.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A. The lawyer charges more.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?

A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are going around the Web?

A: Three! (All the rest are true!)

Q: What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

A: Your Honor.

Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?

A: Senator.

Q: Why are there more flies in Cairo than lawyers in Washington?

A: Cairo got first choice.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Lawyer with a Librarian?

A: All the information you need, but... you can't understand a word of it!