James Fuqua's Law Jokes

Non-Lawyer Bashing Legal Humor

Divorce -- Added 8 September 1997
E-mail Privacy -- Added 3 February 1997
Feeling Fine -- Added 2 November 1998
How to Win Cases -- Added 2 November 1998
Hunting Spotted Owls -- Added 27 December 1997
'I Sentence Your Arm' -- Added 6 January 1999
Three Tickets -- Added 7 May 1997
Those Bus Adverts! -- Added 4 September 1997
Shorter Jokes -- Last Updated 8 September 1997
Question & Answer


A client comes in and tells a lawyer:

a) Want a divorce and will drag it out forever and,
b) To see that that the other party gets what they deserve and,
c) To make sure the the wrongdoer is revealed for what they are.

She asks them for a detailed list of all of the property. At this point, the client always says with glee, "For the court?" To which she says, "No, for me. Since you are going to squander all your wealth on lawyers fees, I want to know what I am getting."

I'll bet they ask for a quick settlement.

E-mail Privacy

TULSA, OKLA -- The Oklahoma Supreme Court has ruled on a case that many legal experts believe clearly delineates the e-mail privacy rights of computer users in the workplace. Judge Stan Musing declared that employees have a right to expect that their employers will refrain from monitoring e-mail messages transmitted on company systems.

The case went to court after programmer Augustus Lindsey's supervisor monitored his e-mail and intercepted a message from Lindsey to a colleague.

The message read: "That little sex kitten has been driving me wild. She's moaning and begging for it every minute. Last night I was afraid someone would hear, and we'd be thrown out of the building. But don't worry - - all is arranged. Wednesday she gets the knife."

Lindsey's supervisor alerted authorities, suspecting that a crime was in the making. Lindsey was arrested on the spot and spent an uncomfortable night discussing the situation with the police.

However, he was released in the morning, just in time to get his female cat to the vet for spaying. Lindsey sued his boss for invasion of privacy and sought punitive damages as well.

Feeling Fine

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

How to Win Cases

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them," replied the man.

"What?!" shouted the lawyer.

"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

Hunting Spotted Owls

A client, after cruelly firing his faithful lawyer, is defending himself at trial having been caught by a game warden just as he blew a Spotted Owl into a flurry of feathers.

After reading the charges, the judge -- well known for his environmental sympathies -- gravely announced that since the species concerned is in danger of imminent extinction, he would have to make an example out of the defendant.

The client, waxing eloquent, said he was very sorry for what he'd done, but that he was totally destitute and needed the bird to feed his hungry children. All he had to his name, he said, his voice cracking with emotion, was the little bit of bird shot he had left in his gun.

The judge took off his glasses to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye, and after regaining his composure, told the defendant he would let him go with a warning this time.

The client beamed with pride as he started out of the courtroom.

Just then, the judge called out, "Oh, by the way, what does a Spotted Owl taste like?"

The man's face came alive as he turned around and said, "Your honor, it's hard to describe. Sort of a cross between a Bald Eagle, a Whopping Crane, and a California Condor."

'I Sentence Your Arm'

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Three Tickets

There once was a young fellow who fell prey to a speed trap in a small southern town. The cop wrote him a ticket and then hauled him before the local Justice of the Peace.

The Justice fined the young man $200 and collected the money on the spot. The young fellow turned to go but was called back by the Justice and handed the old ticket.

The speedster said, "Just what am I supposed to do with this? I paid my fine!"

Whereupon the old J. P. replied, "Keep it, when you get three, you get a bicycle!"

Those Bus Adverts!

Supposedly from a real case in England:

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

He won the case.

Shorter Jokes

A Philadelphia industrialist passed on in 1947. Among his bequests were these: "To my wife, I leave her lover and the knowledge that I wasn't the fool she thought I was. To my son I leave the pleasure of earning a living. For 25 years he thought the pleasure was mine. He was mistaken."

The German poet Heinrich Hein left a will giving his wife all his assets, with one condition - that she remarry. "Because then there will be at least one man to regret my death."

In December 1993, Atlanta attorney Dennis Scheib stopped by the prosecutor's office on his way to court to represent a new client in a criminal case. Just outside the office, he saw two officers chasing a man down the hall, and he joined in to help. After the three men caught the escapee and handcuffed him, Scheib learned the man was the client he had been on his way to court to represent.

About 1900, a very respectable Western lawyer was filing some insurance papers when he came to the question: "If your father is dead, state the cause."

Unwilling to reveal that his father had been hanged for cattle rustling, the lawyer evaded the problem by answering this way: "He died while taking part in a public ceremony when the platform gave way."

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