James Fuqua's Law Jokes

Longer Lawyer Jokes


Attack Dog -- Added 18 July 2000
The Bible's Lost First Page -- Added 27 July 1996
The Blind Snake & Rabbit -- Added 26 July 1996
Billing on Social Questions -- Added 26 July 1996
Bribing the Jury -- Added 29 September 1996
Charity Starts at Home -- Added 2 November 1998
Criminal Lawyers -- Added 29 October 1996
Driving Under the Influence -- Added 17 July 1996
First Client -- Added 26 July 1996
The Genie Lawyer -- Added 21 August 1997
First Day on the Job -- Added 1 November 1996
Jury Duty -- Added 3 August 2000
Jury of Lawyers
Last Will and Testament -- Added 1 November 1996
The Lawyer & His BMW -- Added 26 July 1996
The Lawyer & the Balloonists
The Lawyer and the Blonde -- Added 10 November 1998
The Lawyer and the Chiropractor
The Lawyer & the Devil's Deal
The Lawyer, Doctor, and Priest Adrift on the Ocean -- Added 13 September 1996
The Lawyer, Doctor, and Priest on a Desert Island -- Added 18 July 2000
The Lawyer & the Golfer -- Added 26 July 1996
The Lawyer & the Inn Keeper's Daughter
The Lawyer, the Ranger, & the Mexican Bandit -- Added 26 July 1996
The Lawyer & the Stonecutter
A Lawyer in Contempt of Court -- Added 25 March 1996
The Lawyer's & the Doctor's Car Crash -- Added 26 July 1996
The Lawyer's Dog & the Butcher
No Doubt -- Added 2 November 1998
Phony Injury -- Added 29 September 1996
The Profession of Billy's Dad
Robbery -- Added 29 October 1996
The Russian, Cuban, & American
Smartest Man in the World -- Added 18 July 2000
Software Lawsuits -- Added 29 October 1996
Standard Disclaimer -- Added 4 September 1997
The Talking Frog -- Added 26 July 1996
Three City Employees -- Added 26 July 1996
Three Travelers -- Added 26 July 1996 -- variation on a theme
The Train Engineer in Court -- Added 9 May 1997
The Truck Driver and the Priest -- Added 4 September 1997
Two Lawyers and a Lion -- Added 27 July 1996
Two Thieves -- Added 26 July 1996
The Unemployed Lawyer -- Added 26 July 1996
What Type of Lawyer IS Your Dad -- Added 1 November 1996
The Vacationing Lawyer & Doctor -- Added 26 July 1996
Valentines -- Added 4 February 1999
The World's Worst Juror -- Added 7 May 1997


Attack Dog

A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."

"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."


The Bible's Lost First Page

They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual "first page" of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:

"Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved

First scrawling First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone- Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C.

All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present, or future is purely coincidental.

WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in question.

NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are called 'stars'. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way should this be construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase the denizens of the world and let the author start over.

DSBN 0-000000-0000-1

Suggested retail: 1 sheep."


Billing on Social Questions

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?"

The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.


The Blind Snake & Rabbit

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"


Bribing the Jury

A mobster was on trial facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge. After hours of deliberation, the jury returned the verdit of guilty for the lesser charge.

Later the lawyer approached the juror, "You had me worried! When the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off."

"I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to acquit him!"


Charity Starts at Home

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."

"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"


Criminal Lawyers

In compiling a grammatical text we were faced with the problem of finding numerous example sentences to illustrate semantic differences. We had some problems with finding a good example for contrastive adjectives. Eventually we settled on the sentence:

These are biological not chemical weapons.

Our first example was:

They hired a criminal not a corporate lawyer.

Unfortunately, non-linguists had a hard time realizing that we meant "criminal" to be an adjective and not a noun ...

--Matthew Haines


Driving Under the Influence

This is not a lawyer joke but legal humor nonetheless.


A cop is waiting across the street from a bar parking lot late on a Saturday night, watching for drunks trying to drive home. After a short wait, one particularly sad case stumbles out the door, front of his shirt soaked, bleary-eyed, confused, wandering the parking lot looking for his car. He locates his car, fumbles for his keys, gets in (bumping his head in the process) and drives off, bumping the curb on the way.

Of course he doesn't get more than a half-dozen blocks before the cop is on him, and he immediately pulls over. The cop has him step out of the car, sizes him up, and administers several field sobriety tests, with much effort (the driver has trouble understanding some of the tests). The driver fails all the tests miserably: can't touch his nose, can't walk straight, can't stand on one foot, can't recite a speedy alphabet.

The final legal step, of course, is the breathalyzer, so the cop asks his subject to blow into the tube. Green light. In disbelief, the cop checks the breathalyzer and has the suspect try again. Another green light -- the guy's blood-alcohol level is legal.

"All right," says the cop, "how can you pass a breath test when you're so obviously falling-down drunk?" "Well, it's like this," replies the guy. "You've heard of being the Designated Driver? I'm the Designated Decoy."


First Client

After successfully passing the bar exam, a young lawyer started up his own practice. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.

"Show him right in!" our lawyer replied.

As Mr. Jones was being ushered in, our lawyer had an idea. He was very anxious to impress potential clients, so he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous that I am not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I shall have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone."


First Day on the Job

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, Father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded, "You idiot, we've been living on the funding of that case for ten years!"


The Genie Lawyer

There was a young man shipwrecked on an island. He found a magic lamp on the shore one day, picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared. However, he was not a typical Genie, he was an attorney Genie. When the Genie told the man he was also an attorney, the man laughed and said, "Oh come on, Genies can't be attorneys too!"

The Genie said he would prove it. He told the man to make his three wishes, but on one condition, for every wish he made, all attorneys were granted double of what the man wished for. The man pondered the offer and decided that something was better than nothing and decided his three wishes.

"My first wish is for 1 million dollars."

The Genie reminded the man that he would grant the wish, but all attorneys would get double that amount. The man agreed and then made his second wish. "My second wish is for a beautiful blonde with blue eyes."

Once again, the Genie granted the wish and also granted all attorneys with two of the blonde eyed babes.

The Genie announced that the man had one more wish and to consider his choice carefully. The man thought for a moment. Suddenly, he drew the Genie's attention to a piece of driftwood lying on the beach. He told the Genie: "For my next wish, please pick up that piece of driftwood and beat me half to death!!!"


Jury Duty

A business man was chosen for jury duty. He had a big merger to coming up and very much wanted to be dismissed from performing his civic duty. He tried every excuse he could think of but the judge believed that everyone, no matter what their social status, should serve on a jury at some point. He refused to relieve the business man.

On the day of the trial, the business man decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench. "Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, 'He's a crook! He's guilty! Guilty! Guilty!' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance, the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."


Jury of Lawyers

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"


Last Will and Testament

Sam Smith, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day. Stu Jones, Sam's best friend since childhood and lawyer for the past 20 years, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide Sam's earthly possessions, over a $1,000,000. In front of Sam's family.

Stu reads the will: "Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead. You were a good friend and lawyer for such a long time, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself."

Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam's instructions, Stu will give $50,000 to Sam's widow. The rest he is retaining for himself.

The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then THIS?! It can't be!"

So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict:

"To Stuart Jones, I award $50,000 of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Smith, widow of the deceased." Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound.

"Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam's wishes quite clear: 'Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!' I wanted the lion's share! What gives?"

The judge answered back, "Mr. Jones, Sam Smith knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are. So, with his family's interest in mind, he didn't say, "Keep what you want and give the rest to her.' No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER and keep the rest for yourself."


The Lawyer & His BMW

As the highway patrolman approached the accident site, he found that the entire driver's side of the BMW had been ripped away, taking with it the driver's arm.

The injured Yuppie lawyer, obviously in shock, kept moaning, "My car, my car," as the officer tried to comfort him.

"Sir," the patrolman said gently, "I think we should be more concerned about your arm than your car."

The driver looked down to where his arm should have been, then screamed, "My Rolex! My Rolex!!!"


The Lawyer & the Balloonists

These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says, "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are." Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.

George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground."

So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?"

And the man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air."

George turns to Harry and says, "That man must be a lawyer."

And Harry says, "How can you tell?"

George says, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."

That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer."


The Lawyer and the Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. All to no avail. Over an hour later, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


The Lawyer and the Chiropractor

A chiropractor is standing in line at the bank. He notices that the shoulders of the man standing in front of him in line are severely misaligned. After a while, the chiropractor just cannot bear to see such disocated shoulders, so he grabs the man's shoulders, thrusts his knee into the man's spine and pulls the man's shoulders into perfect alignment.

The man turns around and yells "What are you trying to do?"

The chiropractor answers "I'm a chiropractor and I just cannot bear to see a person's shoulder's as out of line as yours were! But now they are in perfect alignment!"

"Listen," said the man in front of the chiropractor, "why don't you mind your own business and keep your hands to yourself? I'm a lawyer and you don't see me screwing the people ahead of me in line!!"


The Lawyer & the Devil's Deal

A young attorney was sitting in his office late one night,when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, you will have four months of vacation each year, you will make embarrasing sums of money, and you will live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity.

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So what's the catch?"


The Lawyer, Doctor, and Priest Adrift on the Ocean

A doctor, a priest, and a lawyer are adrift on a raft in the south Pacific. They're just about out of water, food, and hope, when they spot a small island. Only problem is, between the raft and the island is a large hungry school of tiger sharks.

The doctor insists, "I'll swim for the island and bring back coconuts and maybe even help. If the sharks attack me, with my medical knowledge I'll be able to tend to my wounds." The priest says, "No, no, my son, I shall swim for the island. I will pray as soon as I hit the water, and with my connections I'm sure to make it."

While the doctor and priest are arguing over who is to go, the lawyer dives into the water and swims toward the island. Miraculously, the sharks move away and clear a path for the attorney. A little while later, the barrister returns to the raft with a lovely bunch of coconuts. And again the sharks clear a path for him.

He finally gets to the raft and the bewildered doctor and priest ask him what was the source of this miracle.

He replied, "Professional courtesy, of course!"


The Lawyer, Doctor, and Priest on a Desert Island

A priest, a doctor and a lawyer were ship wrecked on a deserted island. In the distance they could see the mainland. They decided that they would have to swim for it, but they saw that the island was surrounded by sharks.

So the priest said "God will help me, so I will swim to the mainland and bring back help. They all approved of this plan and decided that the lawyer and the doctor would go to the other side of the island, jump up and down and make noise in order to attract the sharks to the opposite side of the island.

The lawyer and the doctor went to the other side of the island, jumped up and down and made much noise, and all the sharks were attracted to the noise and the movement.

The priest dove into the water and swam toward the mainland. He was just a few yards from safety when suddenly a shark grabbed him from behind and ate him up.

When the doctor and the lawyer saw what happened, the doctor said "I was a swimming star in high school, so I will try to make it to save us."

So the lawyer went to the other side of the island, jumped up and down, and attracted all the sharks to that side of the island. The doctor dove into the water and swam toward the mainland, but when he was just a few yards from the mainland a shark came up from behind, grabbed him, and ate him up.

The lawyer, left alone, knew that he must try the swim himself. He dove into the water and even though he was a feeble swimmer, when he got within a few yards from the mainland he was exhausted. Suddenly from behind, a shark gently took a hold of the lawyer, lifted him up out of the water, carried him into shallow water, and gently released him!

The lawyer, astounded by this, said to the shark "The priest was a man of God, and you ate him. The doctor was a man who brought healing to mankind, and you ate him. Why did you save me from drowning and carry me into shore?"

The shark replied "Professional courtesy!"


The Lawyer & the Golfer

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

"I'm an attorney," the man said, wincing, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really so rry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

"I'll take it," the attorney said.


The Lawyer & the Inn Keeper's Daughter

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."


The Lawyer, the Ranger, & the Mexican Bandit

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"


The Lawyer & the Stonecutter

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put, 'Here lies an honest lawyer.'"

"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.

"Certainly it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, 'That's Strange!'"


A Lawyer in Contempt of Court

The lawyer stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" the lawyer yelled at the judge.

The judge, equally irked by a tedious day and the lawyer's rude treatment, roared, "Fifty dollars....contempt of court. That's why!"

Upon noticing the lawyer was checking his wallet, the judge relented.

"That's all right. You don't have to pay the fine right now."

The lawyer replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough to say three more words."


The Lawyer's & the Doctor's Car Crash

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.


The Lawyer's Dog & the Butcher

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].

Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $150 due for a consultation.


No Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."


Phony Injury

A con-man fakes and injury in an auto crash, comes to court in a wheel chair and is awarded $100,000. When the verdict is announced, the insurance company's lawyer snaps, "You're going to be tailed by a private eye wherever you go from now on, and as soon as you take one step out of that wheel chair, we'll throw you in jail."

"Don't go to all that trouble," advises teh phony pleasantly. "I'm going from here to thw Waldorf in New York, then to the Savoy in London, then to the Ritz in Paris, then to the French Riviera -- and after that to Lourdes for the miracle!"


The Profession of Billy's Dad

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"


Robbery

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"

To which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."


The Russian, Cuban, & American

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away. . . ." Saying that, he open the window and threw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away. . . ." Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it. . . .


Smartest Man In The World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy, and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down.

Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one, yelling to the others, "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live." And out of the plane he jumped.

The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace".

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack."


Software Lawsuits

In the wake of the recent court victory by Lotus concerning copyright infringement, Microsoft Inc. announced today that they are suing Lotus for infringing on their lawsuit copyrights. "We have examined the text of the Lotus lawsuits and have determined that they violate our copyright on look-and-feel lawsuits," a spokesman for Microsoft said. "A lot of effort was spent developing the concept of look-and-feel lawsuits and Lotus is capitalizing on our work." At the same time, Microsoft filed for a patent on look-and-feel lawsuits.

A federal judge granted a preliminary injunction against Lotus, preventing them from pursuing further lawsuits on the basis of copyright infringement until formal briefs could be filed by both sides. Borland stock jumped 15/8 on the news.


Standard Disclaimer

From "NutWorks," edited by Brent C. J. Britton

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The Talking Frog

A girl walked along the beach when she heard a voice saying, "Hey, kiss me! I am a changed lawyer." The girl looked in the direction of the voice and saw a frog. The frog said, "Yes, I am talking. Kiss me!"

The girl took the frog and put it into her handbag. Later that day she showed the frog to a friend.

The frog complained, "Come on! Kiss me! You will not regret it!"

The girl put the frog back into her handbag.

When she showed the frog to the next friend the frog said, "Why do you not kiss me. I will make you rich!" But the girl put the frog back into her handbag.

When she showed the frog to her third friend the frog said, "Maybe you do not understand me. I told you I am a changed lawyer. If you kiss me I will make you rich."

Now the girl answered, "Why should I. A lawyer is worth nothing. There are so many of them. But a talking frog is cool."


Three City Employees

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.

After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door.

The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.

The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.


Three Travelers

-- variation on a theme

After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night's shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn.

Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.

Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn't long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.

The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.

Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig.


The Train Engineer in Court

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"

The Truck Driver and the Priest

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"


Two Lawyers and a Lion

Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, they took a rest, removed their packs, and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the attorneys' rifles were too far away to do them any good.

One attorney began to remove his shoes, and was asked by the other why he was doing that.

The man replied, "Because I can run faster without them."

The first lawyer told him, "I don't care how fast you can run, you'll never outrace that lion."

The now-barefoot attorney told him, "I don't have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun you."


Two Thieves

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?"

The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.

When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.

The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."


The Unemployed Lawyer

A former lawyer applied to a government contractor for a job. The contractor asked him what he could do.

"I'll be a consultant," the lawyer said.

"We have enough consultants," the contractor said.

"I know all about what's going on in government," the l awyer said. "I'll be an advisor."

"We have enough advisors," the contractor said. By now the lawyer was becoming a little desperate.

"Look," he said, "I'm not overly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk."

"Sorry," said the contractor. "We have more than enough clerks.

With that the lawyer got upset. Jumping to his feet, he turned toward the door and shouted, "Well, to work for you, I'd have to be a low-down, double-dealing SOB anyhow."

"You didn't say you were a lawyer!" exclaimed the contractor. "Do sit down."


What Type of Lawyer IS Your Dad
by Art Ellingsen, and he swears it's a true story:

Last October while in Philadelphia on a business trip, I took one afternoon off to see the Liberty Bell and other historic sites downtown. Two young familes were also in line to the see the sites and I overheard an interesing conversation between two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.


The Vacationing Lawyer & Doctor

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"


Valentines

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.


The World's Worst Juror

(from "Book of Heroic Failures", by Stephen Pile)

It happened at a rape trial in Snaresbrook (U.K.) county court on an unusually warm and sultry day. One of the jurors fell asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecuting counsel.

"Would you," he asked, "tell the court precisely what the defendant said to you before the attack?"

"No, she would not." she said. "It was far too crude and shocking."

"Would you be prepared to write it down?"

And she did, with every sign of distaste (it was, broadly speaking, a promise that nothing in the history of sexual congress compared with what the rapist planned to do to his victim), and the paper was passed to the judge, learned counsel, the clerk of the court, and the jury.

In the second row, our hero slumbered on until he was suddenly woken by a sharp nudge from the smiling brunette next to him. She passed the note to him. He read the message thereon, gazed in wonder at his neighbour, read it again, winked at the woman, and slipped the note in his pocket.

When the judge demanded the note back, the juror refused. It was, he said, a private matter.


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