James Fuqua's Law Jokes

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Short

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A1: How many can you afford?

A2: None, lawyers only screw us.

A3: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

A4: Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.

A5: Three. One to change it and two to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"

A6: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

A7: 65. 42 to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, 14 to sue the electrician who wired the house, and 9 to sue the bulb manufacturers.

A8: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three: one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Light Bill

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, he'll have the janitor do it. But, you'll get the following bill:

Item Charge (What it really means)
Lawyer's time, (1 hr. Min.) $400 You sucker.
Connectivity charge $100 He called janitor.
Staff charges $250 The secretary prepared bill.
Research fees $422 BMW payment due.
Consulting fees $431 Senior partner's BMW bill.
Specialized equipment $122 Bought bulb.
Delivery expenses $34 Had messenger deliver it.
Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge $394 Second partner Volvo bill.

Legalize Answer

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyers", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being nonnegotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the nonnegotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being nonnegotiable and only until the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb") becomes snug in the party of the third part (Receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (Light Bulb).

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".

AS WITH ALL GOOD LEGAL AGREEMENTS -

SOMETHING GETS SCREWED IN THE END!

Item	Charge	(What it really means)
Lawyer's time, (1 hr. Min.)	$400	You sucker.
Connectivity charge	$100	He called janitor.
Staff charges	$250	The secretary prepared bill.
Research fees	$422	BMW payment due.
Consulting fees	$431	Senior partner's BMW bill.
Specialized equipment	$122	Bought bulb.
Delivery expenses	$34	Had messenger deliver it.
Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge	$394	Second partner Volvo bill.