webmaster@jamesfuqua.com©2000-2001 James Fuqua
Law Jokes Page
Well, you've found the hidden joke page. I try not to put offensive or dirty jokes on my page (I do apologize if some of them are a little off-color, though.) But sometimes a really funny joke comes along that must be passed along. Just out of curiosity, I would like to know if anyone finds this page. Please e-mail me if you do happen to find this and like the jokes.
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.
However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks. The name of the company:
"The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company"
A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of $1000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady.
The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No." she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?"
"No." she replied.
He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly come into $3 million.
"I bet." she stated.
"You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?"
"No." she replied, "I bet people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing.
At 10:00 o'clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only $25,000.00 richer."
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.
"What' wrong with him?" he inquired.
"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
One evening after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with her. To their surprise the young lady overheard the remark, and, turning around, she said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend good-night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed.
The following morning, the man presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the full amount that had been stated and threatened to sue unless she did get it. He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant in a law suit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer didn't think she could get a judgment with such grounds, but thought it would be interesting to see how her case would be presented. The next day, in court, after the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: Your Honor, my client is the owner of a piece of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $25.00, half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is restricted property and we ask judgment to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.
The defendants lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to present it. "Your Honor," he said, "My client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, and that he did rent such property for a time, and that a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor being performed personally by him. We claim that these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the amount and the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the property. We ask that judgment be not granted.
The young lady's lawyer's comeback was this, "Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described; however, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would have never rented the property in the first place. Also, upon evacuation of the property, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgment to be granted."
Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients.
The first said: "I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with color inside."
The second doctor said: "I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered."
"Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys. They have only two parts, their ass and their mouth and those are interchangeable."
After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.
He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said, "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"
"I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."
Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, in a few short weeks, it will be spring. The snows of winter will flow away, the ice will vanish, the air will become soft and balmy. In short, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, the annual miracle of the years will awaken and come to pass. But you won't be there.
The rivulet will run its soaring course to the sea. The timid desert flowers will put forth their tender shoots. The glorious valleys of this imperial domain will blossom as the rose. Still, you will not be here to see.
From every treetop, some wild woods songster will carol his mating song. Butterflies will sport in the sunshine. The gentle breeze will tease the tassels of the wild grasses, and all nature, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, will be glad. But you will not be here to enjoy it.
Because I command the sheriff of the county to lead you away to some remote spot, swing you by the neck from a knotting bough of some sturdy oak, and let you hang until dead. And then, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, I further command that such officer retire quickly from your dangling corpse, that vultures may descend from the heavens upon your filthy body until nothing shall remain but bare, bleached bones of a coldblooded, bloodthirsty, throat-cutting, murdering S.O.B."
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A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!"
The rear tiger says, "Sorry," and they continue on. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn't.
The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"
A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.
On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle... I'm still a virgin."
The startled groom asks, "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."
The bride responds, "Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was... God I miss him!"
"But you're a lawyer, so now I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
Did you hear about the smart lawyer?
His client was charged with sodomy and he got it reduced to "Following Too Closely."
Subpoena: From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex?
A: Because it's all bad and some is worse.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients?
A: To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung?
A: When you can't get your finger between the noose and his neck.
Q: What do you call three lawyers buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Soccer practice!
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Law Jokes Page