James Fuqua's Law Jokes

Bad Lawyer Jokes

OK, I warned you -- these are really bad jokes!!

The Clone -- Added 15 July 1996
Newton's Law -- Added 18 July 2000
Shorter Jokes -- last updated 21 August 1997
Question & Answer -- last updated 4 September 1997

The Clone

There once was a lawyer that was very popular (this is not the joke) he made speeches all over the world. He was very greedy, and realized that if he had a clone made of himself he could make more money. One day he did have the clone made and it was perfect in every way, identical to him except that the clone talked very dirty, cursed, and was very disgusting exposing himself and doing horrible shocking things. The lawyer was distraught, what shall he do how can he explain that he was the clone, the clone was saying the lawyer was the clone. The lawyer was sitting in his office on the 20th floor of his office building when he sees the clone climbing up the side of the building swearing like all get out, mooning the people observing this act of rudeness. The clone starts to open the office window and starts to climb in the lawyer leaps from behind his desk and pushes the clone to the street below. The clone falls to his death.

What was the lawyer charged with:


Newton's Law

Sir Isaac Newton had a theory of how to get the best outcomes in a courtroom. He suggested to lawyers that they should drag their arguments into the late afternoon hours. The English judges of his day would never abandon their 4 o'clock tea time. Instead, they would always bring down their hammer and enter a hasty, positive decision so they could retire to their chambers for a cup of Earl Grey.

This tactic used by the British lawyers is still recalled as Newton's Law of Gavel Tea.

Shorter Jokes

Forbe's magazine published it's list of the 400 richest Americans Monday. The only change from last year is that OJ Simpson is off the list and Robert Shapiro is on it.

Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up on time, but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were supposed to meet...

1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?"

2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire.."

1st lawyer: "A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?"

2nd lawyer: "No, the kid had it under his coat..."

Question & Answer

Q: Did you hear that the American Trial Lawyers Association has decided to relocate its national headquarters?

A: They're moving to Sioux City.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman.

Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?

A: Because after they die, they lie still.

Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?

A: Sue.

Q: What's the difference between baseball and law?

A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

Q: What is the definition of a lawyer?

A: A mouth with a life-support system.

Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?

A: A whine cellar.

Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)

A: Both have hearts like stones.

Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?

A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?

A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

Q: What is the favorite song of most lawyers?

A: Sweet Sue.

Q: What is a lawyer's favorite plant?

A: Poison Sue-mack.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rat with a snake?

A: A lawyer with morals.

Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?

A: To get to the car accident on the other side.

Q: What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?

A: He was disbarred.

Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

A: It's called Sosumi.

Q: What did the disgruntled laywer say?

A: Get off my case!

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

A:They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

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