Are There Any Lawyer's in Heaven?
A very good man died, and as a reward for a life well-spent, went to heaven. When he arrived, St. Peter met him at the gate.
"Welcome," said St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in life, you may enter heaven."
"Thank you," said the man. "But before I come in, could you tell me what kind of other people are here?"
"Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter.
"Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man.
"Yes, some," said St. Peter.
"Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man.
"Yes, there are," replied St. Peter.
"Are there any Nazis in heaven?" asked the man.
"Just a few," said St. Peter.
"Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied: "What, and ruin it for everyone else?"
The Charitable Lawyer
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven, and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."
St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler, and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
The Fence Between Heaven and Hell
It seems that there's a fence between Heaven and Hell, which is cared for in alternate aeons by the two sides. It has fallen into disrepair.
St. Peter seeks out Lucifer. "Hey Lou, it's your turn to fix the fence. The Boss says it looks awful. Get it done."
"I don't care how it looks," says Lucifer. "I'm not doing anything."
"You have to," says St. Peter. "It's your official obligation. We have a contract to that effect. You're committed."
"I don't give a fig for any contract," says Lucifer, "as you should know by now, I don't care what it says -- I'm not going to do anything."
"You have to," insists St. Peter. The law is the law. If you force us to, we'll have to sue you."
"Sue me?" cries Lucifer, breaking into that famous nasty laugh, "Where are YOU gonna get a lawyer?"
A Lawyer in Hell
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to the place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful women.
"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
The Lawyer's Accomodations in Heaven
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
The Lawyer's Clock in Hell
Mr. Smith recently went through very rough divorce. His wife got everything: the car, the house, the kids, both the dog and the cat. One day, he was driving along, when he saw his wife's lawyer walking down the opposite side of the street, and uncontrollable urge came over him. He revved his engine, swerved across the on-coming traffic, and ran over the attorney. Unfortunately, he sideswiped a car and flips his own.
While he is being rushed to the hospital, he feebly asks the ambulance attendant, "Did I get him?" The attendant answers affirmatively. Just then, Mr. Smith passes on with a big grin on his face; however, he immediately wake to find himself in Hell.
He's given the grand tour by none other than Satan himself. Satan leads him to room that is full of clocks. Satan says, "Except for you last act on Earth, you were a pretty good boy, so I'm giving you the job of cleaning the clocks."
Mr. Smith scratches his head and asks, "They didn't teach us about any clocks in Sunday school; what are they for?"
Satan replies, "We assign one to each newborn, and use them to keep track of their sins. They start off at midnight, and tick over one minute for each sin. That's how I knew you weren't so bad -- your clock over here stopped at 1:30."
As Bob examines his clock, the one next to it ticks over from 4:15 to 4:16. Bob says, "So that's what a sin looks like. Where's the clock for my wife's attorney?"
Satan chuckles, "That one's in my office - we use it as a fan."
Marriage Made in Heaven
A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed.
In heaven soon afterward, the guy told St. Peter, "My fiance and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter said, "I'll tell you what--wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They repeated their request to St. Peter, who told them, "I'm sorry, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait another five years."
After another five years go by, they brace St. Peter again. This time he answers, "Yes, you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."
The couple got married. However, they soon found that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven. St. Peter gave them a thousand-yard stare, and finally muttered, "Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
The Old Lawyer in Heaven
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
Another Old Lawyer in Heaven
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.
"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"
St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.
When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
The Pope & the Lawyer
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time. . .) "Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!" They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out, "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day.
The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade Motel 6-type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates.
The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations."
St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also.
"Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.
St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.
The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get???"
St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."
The scene is heaven, with three men standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says to the first man, "Let's see, you're Mr. Jones, the engineer. We've been expecting you. Please follow me." Saint Peter leads him down a hall to a door marked #101.
"This is where you'll be staying Mr. Jones," says Saint Peter as he opens the door. Inside is a dark, dank, cold, musty room. Water is dripping from the rocklike walls where torture equipment is hanging. Chained to the center of the floor is a growling, fierce-looking dog.
Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above, "Mr.Jones! You have sinned!"
Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining two men waiting at the entrance gate.
"And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor," Saint Peters addresses the second man. "You are in room 102. Please follow me." Once again when the door is opened this room is dark and dank, water dripping down the walls with horrible torture equipment hanging everywhere, and a growling, snarling dog chained to the center of the floor.
As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice from above cries, "Mr. Smith! You have sinned!"
Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting at the entrance gate.
"And you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer. We have been waiting for you. You are in room number 103. Please follow me." When they get to room #103, Saint Peter opens the door to reveal another dark, musty, gloomy room with torture equipment hanging from the water dripping walls.
But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek. As the lawyer steps in the room the voice cries out, "Bo Derek! You have sinned!"
Three persons arrive at heaven and St. Peter greets them before the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven. We have just one last thing to do before you enter. Are you ready for your last test?"
The first person says, "I've prepared for this moment for 73 years."
"Okay," says St. Peter, "spell 'God'."
"Very good, enter your eternal reward."
The second person says, "Well, that was easier than I thought; I'll take my test now."
"Okay," says St. Peter, "spell 'love'."
"Excellent, enter your eternal reward."
The third person, a lawyer, says, "Boy, is _this_ is gonna be a snap. Give me my test."
"Okay," says St. Peter, "spell 'prorhipidoglossomorpha'."
The Test II
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to each answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
The Three Punishments of Hell
The lawyer died. Having not lived an all-that-honest life he found himself at the gates of Hell. "Welcome to Hell!" announced the Devil greeting him warmly. "Glad you could join us. As your last taste of free will, you are allowed to choose which of three possible places that you will spend the rest of eternity."
There were three doors behind the Devil. He opened the first door. Flames shot into the room and the lawyer could see thousands of people amidst the fire. "No," said the lawyer. "Not this one."
The Devil opened the second door. The lawyer could see thousands of people slaving away at a large rockpile. They were all being whipped as they hammered the large boulders into smaller boulders. "No," again said the lawyer.
Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed thousands of people in a incredibly large lake with vomit up to their chins. All of them were chanting 'Don't make waves, don't make waves...' "That's awful!!" commented the lawyer in repulsion.
"You think that's bad?" asked the devil. "You should see it when the angels spend the weekend here with their motorboats!"
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven, where he is brought before God. "A lawyer, eh?" says God (who seems to be Canadian). "We've never had a lawyer in Heaven before. Argue a point of the law for my edification."
The lawyer goes into panic and says, "Oh, God, I cannot think of an argument worthy of your notice. But I'll tell you what... you argue a point of the law and I'll refute you."
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©2000-2001 James Fuqua
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